On Notice

It must be a good sign when your "On Notice" & "Dead to Me" boards grow out of date, clearly there's just not that much to complain about these days.

...or is there?

No, I actually wanted to PARDON the previous offenders who had served their time on my list. But along the way I couldn't help filling the void with some newbies. So silver Kia, refrigerator, & laundry aggression you're free to go. Mostly because I live somewhere new & you've yet to follow me. But enjoy your freedom nonetheless.

And as for the rest of you... YOU'RE ON NOTICE!

Pittsburgh Stop Signs - Are you kidding me? Are YOU kidding ME?! Why has Pittsburgh convinced itself that stop signs work differently here than anywhere else in America? Please, everyone, just approach the stop sign & the proceed in the order in which you reached it. This is not rocket science. And while I appreciate the "courtesy" of waiting at your stop sign for me to approach, only to wave me on ahead of you, we both could have been on our way to the next octagonal-negotiation in the time it took to figure out what the heck you're doing.

Bee Bites - Bites, not stings. Just when I thought I had gotten over my fear of bees & I thought we had come to an understanding... you help yourself to my lavender bushes & I won't bother you either... you had to go and throw away a beautiful relationship. You just had to tangle yourself in my hair for no reason, turning me into a whirling dervish with a soundtrack of a banshee, & leaving me on the ground with a bite on my ear. At least if it were a sting people would believe that it actually DID hurt. But no... now Dylan will always have the story of "How Lauren got taken to the floor by a bee that doesn't even sting."

Note: I considered putting all bees on notice, but I understand the honeybee situation so I'll have a little sympathy. This time.

Jillian Michaels - This is actually more of a preemptive on-notice, Jillian hasn't done anything personal to me... yet. But I've owned 30-Day Shred for almost 6 months now & am almost to the point where I'm ready to try it. But Jillian, you better watch yourself. I don't need any of your tranny-sass-monster yelling at me. Just play nice & we'll all get along. P.s. I don't really think you're a tranny... please don't hurt me.

The Good & The Bad

Well I'm not doing a whole lot of "Shaping Up" with Aly, but I'm doing pretty darn good on the "Loving Lauren" plan. I didn't meet my running goals (or even try them, to be honest) nor the spinach goals. BUT there were some good things worth mentioning...

1. I swam twice this week. Not laps, just recreational, but it was still good exercise


2. That means I was in a bathing suit in front of people TWICE this week. And I must say, I did it with confidence even in mixed company. I'm pretty proud of that.


3. I did major amounts of laundry so now all my workout clothes are looking pretty & begging me to use them


4. I faced the scale... & it wasn't so bad. I'm not sure where I got this idea that I'm spiraling out of control & exploding right in front of my own eyes, but I'm apparently not. Maybe it's just because I'm not running & don't feel as good, but I'm only 3 lbs heavier than my last run 2 months ago. 3 lbs? Pshhhhh...

But not everything went perfectly

• Get-Go Cookies... YOU'RE ON NOTICE! Why do you have to be so delicious? You're just gas station cookies, who do you think you are being so buttery & soft? HUH? Are you laced with crack, is that why I can't resist your charms? Well enough is enough! Forget on notice, you're DEAD TO ME. And there's no coming back from that list.

While I'm at it, I'd like to update a few other folks who made it on my list:

• Kia, there's no need for you to be parked at the TOP of my driveway. There are 3 spots at the bottom for your use & mine, but when you park at the top no one can go in or out. Except you. And what makes you do special, Kia? I don't care if you're newer or cleaner than my Altima, we will NOT be treated like second class citizens of this driveway!


• To my upstairs neighbors, you need to CALM DOWN about the laundry. If my load finished while I'm at the store, you don't have permission to remove it. I think the courtesy rule is a business day. If you come back tomorrow & it's still there, or check in the morning & it's still there after work, FINE . But that's never gonna happen, so you need to chill with all your hostility & laundry aggression. (Not to mention you left clothes in the drier for 3 days the first week I lived there & I was patient... just saying)

I don't have shape-up goals for this week except for this one: Make good decisions.

On Notice #1

Lately I've had a lot of frustrations & need a way to keep them from bottling up. Luckily Stephen Colbert has already solved most of my life's problems in advance, bless his heart. Taking a cue from the master, I present my own "On Notice" & "Dead to Me" lists...



Yesterday was rough so I had to consciously hold back or the "Dead to Me" side would have filled up in a hurry! But after I calmed down a little I narrowed it down to only the most deserving offenses. This will grow with time, I assure you.

On Notice:

• My Fridge - it keeps blowing a fuse. I haven't been able to keep food in my apartment since I moved in at the beginning of the month. This is getting old fast


• French Spellings - "Centre", "Colour"... give me a freaking break!


• Needy Cats - It's like they know I'm allergic because they seem to want to crawl all over me. Even the cats that hate everyone else won't leave me alone. They're out to get me.

Dead to Me:

• Bill Blank - my former landlord. Lies, harassment & your basic slumlord behavior


• Thieving Kids - So far I've lost an iPod & an umbrella as far as personal items. They've stolen more from the office too. If they were under my supervision this would never happen... my kids fear me too much. But I can't control someone else's students so I just get stolen from repeatedly. Great

Ahhhh, I actually feel better now!