Tuesday, July 5, 2011

On Notice

It must be a good sign when your "On Notice" & "Dead to Me" boards grow out of date, clearly there's just not that much to complain about these days.

...or is there?

No, I actually wanted to PARDON the previous offenders who had served their time on my list. But along the way I couldn't help filling the void with some newbies. So silver Kia, refrigerator, & laundry aggression you're free to go. Mostly because I live somewhere new & you've yet to follow me. But enjoy your freedom nonetheless.

And as for the rest of you... YOU'RE ON NOTICE!

Pittsburgh Stop Signs - Are you kidding me? Are YOU kidding ME?! Why has Pittsburgh convinced itself that stop signs work differently here than anywhere else in America? Please, everyone, just approach the stop sign & the proceed in the order in which you reached it. This is not rocket science. And while I appreciate the "courtesy" of waiting at your stop sign for me to approach, only to wave me on ahead of you, we both could have been on our way to the next octagonal-negotiation in the time it took to figure out what the heck you're doing.

Bee Bites - Bites, not stings. Just when I thought I had gotten over my fear of bees & I thought we had come to an understanding... you help yourself to my lavender bushes & I won't bother you either... you had to go and throw away a beautiful relationship. You just had to tangle yourself in my hair for no reason, turning me into a whirling dervish with a soundtrack of a banshee, & leaving me on the ground with a bite on my ear. At least if it were a sting people would believe that it actually DID hurt. But no... now Dylan will always have the story of "How Lauren got taken to the floor by a bee that doesn't even sting."

Note: I considered putting all bees on notice, but I understand the honeybee situation so I'll have a little sympathy. This time.

Jillian Michaels - This is actually more of a preemptive on-notice, Jillian hasn't done anything personal to me... yet. But I've owned 30-Day Shred for almost 6 months now & am almost to the point where I'm ready to try it. But Jillian, you better watch yourself. I don't need any of your tranny-sass-monster yelling at me. Just play nice & we'll all get along. P.s. I don't really think you're a tranny... please don't hurt me.


  1. Oh my the Jillian Micheals notice cracked me up!

  2. Bees freak me out, so I'm there with you. I think the most I've ever gotten out of my 30 Day Shred DVD was the ability to look Jillian in the eye (on the TV screen anyway) and cuss at her for yelling at me. STOP YELLING AT ME LADY! For a pacifict who wishes harm on no one, I have to say, I've wished for her death more than once...figuratively of course.

  3. I was loosing it in class reading about 'bee bites' Picturing Dylan mock really made me miss home!

  4. 1) This is hilarious.
    2) People in Texas don't know how to use stop signs either.
    3) Ah yes, there are hornets that nest outside our apartment door. Every day is a violent effort to walk outside and shut the door quickly before they fly inside.
    4) I can promise you will hate her for a few days. But then you will love her. Also, your arms will look goooood. Do it.

  5. I do not have 30-day shred but I have another biggest loser workout and in that one Jillian is like a kitten. Bob is the one to look out for. Let me know how it goes when you try it!


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