Tink & I sitting on the curb outside the grocery store, eating an icecream cake, using parts of its box as spoons, watching the rain pour down.
That day I had to go back to my old house & clean it before handing in my keys. This house, to me, embodies everything I've been through in the past year: a landlord who I'll probably need a lawyer for because of this threats and harrassment, several thousand dollars owed to me by roommates, living conditions that wreaked havoc on me emotionally & then in return physically when I reach my breakdown point. Hell.
And here I am... cleaning it.
I shouldn't have... there's no logical reason I should have done anything to benefit my landlord and especially without cooperation from the full house. But it was the right thing to do. I psyched myself up with "love your enemies" talk... & this landlord is for sure an enemy. This home is an enemy. And it's easier to say "I won't let myself hate them, so therefore I'm loving my enemies" and it's QUITE another to spend hours scrubbing filth out of love for people you just want to hate. But I pulled the old "Suck it up, Lauren. You're a Christian freaking woman, now act like it. War face."
It wasn't long until I could feel all my bitterness rising. This month in my new apartment has been so wonderful, but it only took about 30 minutes to undo 30 days of peace. So before I could break down for the millionth time on Fox Way, I called up Tink, promised her I wouldn't put her to work, & asked her to keep me company. Turns out she's a saint. Tink not only showed up, but came bearing pizza & gatorade, & then refused to not work. She sang me songs & listened to rants. It's exactly what I needed. Turns out if you change just a few words to "I Will Survive" it's a perfect song to end a bad living situation.
And then it was over.
We walked out the door & did a little "End Scene" motion, & that was it. That's when we headed to the grocery store & ate ice cream cake while waiting for a friend. We watched a movie & life went on.
But I worry about that bitterness.
It was startling just how little time it took to choke me. Clearly I'm not over it & I'm not above it, so when does that get better? I don't want to be toxic, I don't want to be hateful... but I can't ignore that I just went through the worst situation I've ever had to live in & I'm damaged from it. Lord, heal me... & thank you for the band-aids in my life who start that healing process.
Oh boy. This is a tough one! I think you are doing a very good job and keeping it all in perspecive. It's so hard to NOT be bitter when you are hurt so deeply. I personally don't think God doesn't want us to feel anger or bitterness. I think it's what we do with it that matters to Him. I say keep feeling it until it's gone and one day it will be gone! I'm SO happy for your new life though! And your adorable apt!! This stuff only makes us stronger girl;)
ReplyDeleteIcecream cake also has healing properties... it's pretty much science.
ReplyDeleteI understand how sticky bitterness can be...I'm still trying to get over some issues I had with my alma mater (basically the administration said "FU" to the theater department and now the arts in general) and with my old work situation (being let go by reading a letter from the ED who "had an important meeting" in front of two supervisors who had no idea about the proper method of firing someone).
Time does make it better, but it's good you are being honest now with yourself about how you feel. There's nothing worse than letting a situation scab over and then have to reopen it back up to finally deal with the mess.
Whoa...I feel like a real schmo with my complaints! Clearly I'm not the only one not having the greatest of weeks. I guess when it rains it pours. The fact that you took the higher road and cleaned your old place says you are willing to turn the other cheek. The fact that it's left a bad taste in your mouth just makes you, well, human. Time will heal and you will find yourself moving on. Of course, ice cream cake does help soothe the wounds! Maybe you can send me a piece...or maybe let me lick the box :)
ReplyDeleteYou really did make my day today, BTW!