Monday night I had a moment of healing for my poor bruised & battered soul. Not a complete healing, but a band-aid for sure. It's been a year of absolute hell whose ending looked a little something like this:
Tink & I sitting on the curb outside the grocery store, eating an icecream cake, using parts of its box as spoons, watching the rain pour down.
That day I had to go back to my old house & clean it before handing in my keys. This house, to me, embodies everything I've been through in the past year: a landlord who I'll probably need a lawyer for because of this threats and harrassment, several thousand dollars owed to me by roommates, living conditions that wreaked havoc on me emotionally & then in return physically when I reach my breakdown point. Hell.
And here I am... cleaning it.
I shouldn't have... there's no logical reason I should have done anything to benefit my landlord and especially without cooperation from the full house. But it was the right thing to do. I psyched myself up with "love your enemies" talk... & this landlord is for sure an enemy. This home is an enemy. And it's easier to say "I won't let myself hate them, so therefore I'm loving my enemies" and it's QUITE another to spend hours scrubbing filth out of love for people you just want to hate. But I pulled the old "Suck it up, Lauren. You're a Christian freaking woman, now act like it. War face."
It wasn't long until I could feel all my bitterness rising. This month in my new apartment has been so wonderful, but it only took about 30 minutes to undo 30 days of peace. So before I could break down for the millionth time on Fox Way, I called up Tink, promised her I wouldn't put her to work, & asked her to keep me company. Turns out she's a saint. Tink not only showed up, but came bearing pizza & gatorade, & then refused to not work. She sang me songs & listened to rants. It's exactly what I needed. Turns out if you change just a few words to "I Will Survive" it's a perfect song to end a bad living situation.
And then it was over.
We walked out the door & did a little "End Scene" motion, & that was it. That's when we headed to the grocery store & ate ice cream cake while waiting for a friend. We watched a movie & life went on.
But I worry about that bitterness.
It was startling just how little time it took to choke me. Clearly I'm not over it & I'm not above it, so when does that get better? I don't want to be toxic, I don't want to be hateful... but I can't ignore that I just went through the worst situation I've ever had to live in & I'm damaged from it. Lord, heal me... & thank you for the band-aids in my life who start that healing process.