Thursday, February 11, 2010

Photoshop with a Side of Self-Loathing

Well this post took a crazy turn halfway through. Originally I just wanted to post a picture of my new highlights, dying my hair was a coping mechanism to deal with STILL being snowed in & having crazy cabin fever. So I snap a picture... oh glasses are making a glare. Ok new picture without glasses... crap I have giant nose-marks from the glasses. That's ok I can just photoshop them out. (here's where it starts to go astray)

So a little touch-up here & there...

... & there...   & there...   & there...   & there & there & there & there...

Before I knew it I was obsessing over the pores on my nose & imaginary lines! What am I doing?! *sigh* Some days I'm a mess.

  • erased glasses marks

  • erased & evened-out under eyes

  • erased freckles & blemishes on right cheek

  • smoothed pores on nose, cheeks & chin

  • added color to top lip, right side

  • darkened eyelashes

  • took out red from my nose-crease

  • warmed & saturated colors

This is so not healthy.

In the fall I had a really tough month or so, & my way of coping with stress & lack of control in my environment was to just hate on myself... I guess because I'm the only thing that I could control. I knew it wasn't healthy so I took a weekend away on this retreat in the middle of nowhere where I figured God & I would get some quality time to work on our issues: self-control, strength, perseverance, etc.

Wrong. That's not at all what He wanted to work on. Before breakfast on the first day I went for a "run" (this was before my 5k training so running did NOT last long. Even more reason to hate myself) It's probably the only time in my life I CLEARLY heard God. Not audibly, I'm not crazy... but clearly. More like how you read something & hear it in your head.  Here's what I heard:

"If you really love me... how can you hate what I love so much?"

He was talking about me.

That pretty much changed everything. Not that I don't get bouts of self-attack, clearly that's what just happened this morning, but I'm a little more aware of what's happening here. I think that my esteem & insecurities are just my easiest point of attack. But if I really love God & want a heart like his (which I do) then how can I possibly hate someone he made from scratch & loves so so so so so so much?

1 comment:

  1. if I could "like" this I would. I definitely hear ya on this self-esteem thing. Even though people wouldn't see that on the outside, my brain is constantly turning against myself... But looking back, God has brought me a ways from where I've been. Remembering how much God loves us is key in learning to love ourselves and others. Good post!


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