So a little touch-up here & there...
... & there... & there... & there... & there & there & there & there...
Before I knew it I was obsessing over the pores on my nose & imaginary lines! What am I doing?! *sigh* Some days I'm a mess.
- erased glasses marks
- erased & evened-out under eyes
- erased freckles & blemishes on right cheek
- smoothed pores on nose, cheeks & chin
- added color to top lip, right side
- darkened eyelashes
- took out red from my nose-crease
- warmed & saturated colors
This is so not healthy.
In the fall I had a really tough month or so, & my way of coping with stress & lack of control in my environment was to just hate on myself... I guess because I'm the only thing that I could control. I knew it wasn't healthy so I took a weekend away on this retreat in the middle of nowhere where I figured God & I would get some quality time to work on our issues: self-control, strength, perseverance, etc.
Wrong. That's not at all what He wanted to work on. Before breakfast on the first day I went for a "run" (this was before my 5k training so running did NOT last long. Even more reason to hate myself) It's probably the only time in my life I CLEARLY heard God. Not audibly, I'm not crazy... but clearly. More like how you read something & hear it in your head. Here's what I heard:
"If you really love me... how can you hate what I love so much?"
He was talking about me.
That pretty much changed everything. Not that I don't get bouts of self-attack, clearly that's what just happened this morning, but I'm a little more aware of what's happening here. I think that my esteem & insecurities are just my easiest point of attack. But if I really love God & want a heart like his (which I do) then how can I possibly hate someone he made from scratch & loves so so so so so so much?