Brandi & I were driving up a big mountain on this tiny dirt road, & to keep myself from staring down the sides of the road at our certain demise I tried to keep my eyes on the trees & plants all around us. As we drove up & up & up the scenery changed several times, different tress & such. Then we got to this one section where the trees were all black & dead, there had been a forest fire there several years ago. It would have been sad to see, except that there were flowers everywhere... apparently fires that happen naturally aren't anything to mourn because the burning of the old allows the growth of the new.
This struck my heart in just the right way at just the right time. It's not a new idea, just this Sunday the sermon was about the beating wheat takes to become good bread & even wheat needing to die to become a seed for more wheat. Hell, I even have a similar lesson tattoo'd on me... a phoenix on my foot with the phrase "delicious ambiguity" on my ankle to remind me not to fear the future because if even if I crash & burn you get up & start over.
But some lessons you need to learn over & over. Just because it's in ink doesn't mean I always believe it.
I guess I'm at a point where I feel like everything's about to go into flame, like my own personal forest fire is just around the corner. I haven't felt like I'm on the right path for a while now, which is why work gets me so stressed to the point of panic sometimes. Like I'm making a living but not making a difference. Well I won't go too deep into all of that, there's more to it than I can blog about & my emotional rants seldom lead to good reading. Something's not right, though, & it's sitting there like a powder keg.
I fear it somedays. I kind of hope for it somedays. Maybe I'm already in it & don't realize. (or worse, maybe I'm expecting something that won't actually happen?)
Here's what I know: things never stay the same, good or bad, but we'll always get through it even if it means starting from scratch. Here's what I hope: if it does all burn to the ground, something beautiful will grow.
I feel I've been on the brink of something like this myself. But I'm my own barrier. I feel like I hold on too tightly to the old because I'm scared to let go of what I can see for something unknown but most likely better. God help us. Thanks for this post! It's good to know I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteWow, I don't think I could have put it better myself. Change is always scary, but no matter how big the fire and how scary it gets, something always rises from the ashes. I fully believe that eventually the purpose you are looking for will find you. I just hope it's sooner than later so you don't stay so stressed out!
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